What does your hallway look like?
This week I had a mammogram scare. Thankfully, a friend had reminded me to get checked. I had been putting it off — why? Other things came up in life and I didn’t make it a priority.
When I got a call from my doctor on Monday telling me they needed to do more tests, I was angry with myself. Why didn’t I do this sooner? Why don’t I take better care of myself? Why do I spend so much time stressing instead of enjoying life?
Yesterday afternoon, I learned that I am all clear. Hopefully, this little event will cause me to make permanent changes. It certainly has made me think.
One thing that I am working on, among MANY other areas of self-improvement, is being more of myself. You see, I spent a lot of years thinking that I had to act a certain way so that people thought good things about me. Admittedly, this often backfired by my occasional(?) self-righteousness (I’m in recovery for that). I love to write, and I seek to inspire people, but I used to think that I had to wait to share my story until it was wrapped up in a fairytale ending. I forgot to act like a regular human being.
I was anticipating the perfect time, where all of the sudden I would inspire women around the world about how I overcame obstacles to come to live in my new beautiful self-built kingdom with Prince Charming as icing on the cake. I would go on tour speaking about how my struggles all led to this moment, and my perseverance and patience led me there. But my Disney moment hasn’t come. So this is me — in the middle of my story.
Once, someone described uncertainty as being in the hallway. For me, since I decided to be OK with not knowing what’s going to happen next. There is discomfort in not knowing, but being able to sit with that has really helped me. Waiting to hear if I got a job, waiting to see if he’ll call, waiting for test results…I used to be all-consumed. Then I realized that my version of the hallway felt sterile, cold and institutional. But why would I make my hallway look like that when it’s only in my mind? Why wouldn’t I make my hallway pretty and sunny? While I was at it, I remodeled with super comfy couches for the people who I love to come and sit. And my hallway’s got lots of books.
So, I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t have a huge success story about my 7-figure income. I haven’t met the man of my dreams. I haven’t recently lost 25 pounds. But, I have adopted a new attitude. Sometimes I still try to figure out my entire life all at once, and I do often get frustrated by not having achieved the aforementioned goals. However, more often than not, I am enjoying where I am and I even somewhat love the struggle. I might not get rich again, I sadly may never find the love of my life, and it’s becoming unlikely that I’ll attain a level of under 20% body fat. But, I am still working at it all. And, at the same time, I am laughing (and crying) through it, enjoying my daughters while I can; trying to be a kinder person; learning to say, “No,” when I mean “No,” and being more of myself. Because now is the time, and we never know what the ending will be.
I’d love to know if you’ve ever felt the same way. What reminds you to take it easy and enjoy life? What does your hallway look like?